Earlier this week, City Councilor Esther Kennedy brought to our attention the official channels through which Portsmouth neighborhoods can eliminate inconveniences, however transient, by requiring governmental review and redistribution of personal nuisances to more suitable nearby areas.

Under this precedent, we (hereinafter collectively referred to as Those Other Neighborhoods) submit the following requests to City Manager Karen Conard for her consideration:

The residents of Atlantic Heights would like rush hour high-level bridge traffic diverted through South Eliot and subsequently ferried across the Piscataqua, docking at a to-be-determined location in Newington.

Neighbors in Pannaway Manor, in efforts to reduce nuisance noise, ask that commercial jets depositing newly-tanned area residents continue onto Portland International Jetport, where travelers may arrange their livery of choice for returns home.

*Those returning to Portsmouth during rush hour must adhere to the Eliot/Newington detour.

Homeowners in Maple Haven submit that Starbucks® would be best suited nearer The Veridian apartment complex, as drive-thru congestion often obstructs passage to the 99 Restaurant’s south entry. Should relocation of the full establishment prove too costly or lengthy, Maple Haven residents would consider proposals to move only the drive-thru portion of the business. Veridian occupants have no objections provided the preferred option includes mobile ordering capability.

In Elwyn Park, residents request the relocation of the Mary C. Dondero Elementary drop-off/pick-up circle to property within the Urban Forestry Center, including construction of a protected overpass to allow for the safe crossing of Elwyn Road. This would drastically reduce the number of inattentive parent drivers within Elwyn Park and the volume of content this issue generates on their Next Door group.

Little Harbour residents ask that the Richards Avenue sheep erect signage in support of the 2020 Democratic nominee within one (1) week following the state primary, or be humanely transported to a South Berwick homestead sanctuary.

Gosling Meadows makes no requests, but wanted their neighborhood’s existence to be documented in the public record.

Finally, our neighbors in the West End have developed their own Hipster Impact Panel (WEHIP) whose findings demonstrate that competition from Millennial populations in nearby towns with lower costs of living jeopardizes their voguish reputation and property values. WEHIP would like City Manager Conard to consider moving West End residents aged 50+ nearer their contemporaries in the South End.

With sincere appreciation for your diligence in keeping Portsmouth convenient,

Those Other Neighborhoods