Now that the Federal Government has generously given us a moment’s pause to consider our plans as a city for the McIntyre Building, we want to take a minute agree with the Portsmouth Herald Editorial Board, a publication that strives in vain at greatness but nonetheless has accidental moments of wisdom, in that we should take a moment to truly understand what the people want for the McIntyre Federal Building:

A 24 Hour No-holds-barred Dionysian fuck palace.

Portsmouth is a lot of things. Historical – sure. Quaint – you bet your ass. Cultured – as all hell. What it is also is horny. We have a history of horniness, from the brothels on Marcy to the brothels on Bow Street to the brothel running right now at the Blalocks (8/10). We wanna get our nut. Historically we have had plenty of dangerous anonymous sex, but we’ve lost our way. Developments spring up constantly with no thought as to the biggest question: How will residents have a bunch of weird sex with acquaintances or strangers?  

You go look at public comment at any city meeting. These. People. Need. To. Fuck.

All we’re proposing is a multi-story, themed, gated, curated fuck carnival. You have your swingers on one floor, fetishists on another, and then just regular folks, looking for love on a third. We save some space for the Post Office, obviously. Otherwise, we’re talking a truly inclusive sex building, complete with green space for families. With the right window blackings, we could even hold concerts in the summer. Just imagine, the music from Prescott Park intermingling with the music from the McIntyre park and the sound of bodies slapping wantonly against each other for a cacophony of indecipherable lovemaking noise, absent of meaning, absent of clarity, reminding us that we are all animals and that our only purpose is, of course, to get our bodies together in the way our maker intended.

There are exactly four city councilors who fuck, an absolutely unforgivable minority. You can look at a photo and tell who they are. This is an uphill battle, so the people should make their voices heard. Be sure to go to public comment and tell them how much we really need this, especially since we just got out of a long relationship and dating is hard.

Please do it.